I might be a bit broken

Something I have discovered recently – I have no idea how to accept compliments or niceties directed at me. In the last few weeks, several gentleman callers have said extremely flattering things to me about my level of attractiveness and personality in general. Every time, every single damn time, I receive a compliment I start to stutter and blush and generally act like a buffoon.  How did I get to be the ripe old age of 41 and not know how to graciously accept a compliment? Easy, I spent the last 18 years not really being given a compliment or having niceties directed at me. Ok, let’s not exaggerate, there were compliments given at times but they weren’t frequent and they were generally at times where a compliment is required – dressing up for an event or something along those lines. I have been given flowers a handful of times in 18 years – that’s not exaggerating – and they were usually brought home from Target or another grocery store.

Let’s address the nice things. Best thing ever – surprise party for my 40th birthday. Amazing amazing experience – could not believe my husband, who has never done anything like that before, was able to pull it off. I was blown away he did that for me but my immediate thought was, “Oh, I need to make sure to fawn over him and tell him how wonderful he is so that he knows I appreciate this effort”. I couldn’t enjoy the party because I spent most of the time worried about how I would need to show him appreciation for his effort. I also worried about the fact I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would demand appreciation for this for years to come – and I was right. This year on my 41st birthday, there was nothing except the statement “well, I can’t outdo what I did last year!”.  The other thing about that party is that he invited his co-workers – people I didn’t even know. Including his now girlfriend and her daughter. He left the party with her for about 15 minutes and I remember calling him out on that. My memories of that party are tainted with the fact that I was worried about what he was doing with her when he walked her to her car. Now I realize my gut was telling me something and I just didn’t fully listen to it.

The dishwasher – if he unloaded the dishwasher, he needed praise for it. If he folded a load of laundry – needed praise. If he vacuumed, guess what? Yes, ding ding, he needed praise. If he cleaned the shower, recognition was required he did it. He couldn’t just do something to be helpful, he needed to make sure I knew he did it. He always said, “I did it to be helpful”. Yes, that may be the case, but I shouldn’t have to give a compliment or special recognition to you because you were helpful.

So, you may be asking yourself, what does any of this have to do with my current predicament of not being able to accept compliments. Everything, actually. Living with a narcissist (explanation of narcissism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism) gradually reduces the other person’s ability to know what is “normal” in a relationship. That’s what I’m struggling with right now. I don’t understand compliments given so freely with no expectations. Every time my spouse gave me a compliment, I knew I had to return one in kind. He had a very fragile ego that needed supporting at all times. He needed to be told how wonderful he was, how much I appreciated him, how much he was loved – but none of that was given back to me. Nor was it required. I don’t require someone else to tell me good things about myself, I have a healthy sense of myself. My confidence is not dependent on anyone else’s approval of me. The older I get the more I like myself – I think that is a normal, human experience.

So, now I’m venturing into the world of dating and I have people saying nice things to me and I have no idea how to accept these nice words. A punch on the arm to a compliment giver is probably not the best way to accept said compliment. I have come to realize that I’m really struggling with this. There’s still work to be done on myself…