I miss you Dad

I miss you today Dad. I miss you every day but today it’s heavy on my soul. I wish you were here to talk to. I wish I could Skype with you. I’ve grown so much over the past year. I’m so much tougher than I was and I know you’d be so proud. I love my husband so much more than ever before and I know you’d be proud. You taught me how to love, how to weather the tough times. I wish so desperately you were here. I no longer am angry that you aren’t here with me, I’ve accepted that you aren’t here…but it’s still hard. The way you laughed with me, the silliness we shared together. I thought I would never have that again with anyone else, but my husband has shown me that I can be as silly as I want to be. I can be as wild as I need to be. I can spin in circles with my arms wide in an embrace of the Universe’s energy and he’ll accept that. I was afraid for a long time that without you I would never have that unconditional love that you gave me. But, Dad, I have that…I just had to look at the man next to me to see that. We had to fight and argue. I called him selfish for not letting me grieve for you. He countered that HE was still here and that all I had to do was let him in, let him share in my grief. After that moment, my soul settled and I realized I wasn’t being fair to him. I thought I was an open book for him but I realized I was keeping my grief like a shroud around me. I didn’t know how to let him into the journey I was taking. I had to sit with all my thoughts and emotions. I had to process his words. I had to see his sadness at feeling helpless and isolated by me. Once I realized that I was causing myself more grief by not sharing, everything opened up to me and I felt my soul repairing itself. I felt the grief lift day by day. Now I can think of you and not cry for what I had, but be happy for what I have now. I’m happy again Dad and I hope you can see that. I still wish you were here every day but now I am fully opened up to my husband. I was arrogant in my thinking before, arrogant and a bit scared in thinking he wouldn’t accept the side of me that I only showed you. I’m not sure if I would have come to this place with him if you hadn’t passed away.

I always tell people that everything happens for a reason. We may not be able to see the reason while we’re deep in the situation but gradually, with the passage of time, we are able to understand the reason. While I still feel it was too soon for you to leave me, I know why you did now. Thank you Dad. I love you.